Rav Casley Gera

After 28 long years in the wilderness, sanity has returned to British politics. After a generation of lanky leaders, for the first time since 1976, and the first time in my life, Britain has a fat prime minister.

I can’t trust slim politicians. Can you blame me? I mean, do fat politicians start wars? Napoleon was slim. Hitler was, at least in his most dangerous years, slim. Stalin, while certainly a big chap, was by no means an actual porker. Thatcher. Blair. Sir Alec Bleedin’ Douglas-Home. Skinny, slim, and expensively emaciated, respectively.

By contrast: Ted Heath. Winston Churchill. And, now, Gordon Brown. Men without wild schemes, alarming ideological agendas. Competent, solid men, not quivering ditherers. A fat PM is one you can rely on. People with dangerous schemes for the world are too busy to eat. People who aren’t actually good enough to be Prime Minister would never make it if they were chubby, there’s too much prejudice. With fat politicians, you know they’re probably not mental or an idiot (although there is, to be honest, a reasonable chance they’re an alcoholic).

But now, the problem is, there are hardly any fat ones left. Look at the new cabinet: David Milliband, a clear wimp; Alistair Darling, similar. Not that Blair’s cabinets were better: from Blairite stars like Stephen Byers and Alan Milburn to latter-day dregs Patricia Hewitt, New Labour had a strikingly skinny face. Even David Blunkett, who seemed positively chunky as Home Secretary, cut a far trimmer figure by the time he left Government.

And don’t expect any respite from the Tories. In their five-leaders-in-ten-years odyssey, they’ve had two bald leaders, a lanky Jewish leader, and a ruddy-cheeked imp leader. But a fat leader? No chance. Thanks for kicking off an unprecendented period of uninterrupted economic growth, Ken Clarke. We won’t be calling on your services again. Does anyone seriously think Ken’s hugeness didn’t count against him?

The Americans, of course, have hardly had a fat President in their history. Poor Bill Clinton was so horrified at his post-White House weight gain he went and got a heart condition to help him shift it - and his popularity shot up. Roosevelt just got skinner and skinner as the polio worsened, and they loved him for it.

So here’s to having a glutton in No. 10 again. If the electoral winds are favourable, we’ll have at least seven years of fat to follow 28 years of lean.